I have never had just one baby so I don’t know what it’s like to be a stay at home mom with just one child but life with 3 babies is very busy yet monotonous at the same time. I absolutely love that I am able to stay home this year and know 100% that this was the right decision for our family. I love that I get to see the their firsts (roll, crawl, walk, etc.), and I love that I get so many sweet snuggles and get to know these little ones so well. I know what makes them smile and which toy is their favorite today (it changes everyday). I know the last time they pooped which is sometimes a rarity in our house. I know which foods they are currently liking, and I know exactly how much of their bottles (or lack of bottle as we transition to sippy cups) they take at each feed. I know their schedule so well that I could do it in my sleep, and some days I do. I love that I get to see their different little personalities come alive during the day. I know that Oliver will smile for pretty much anything and wants to be around people. I know that Shepherd may be the smartest because he is usually the first to learn every new thing, but he is also the most sensitive and needs to be held and calmed down the most. I know exactly how to calm each baby down. I know that Lucy is so independent but also needs special attention. She is so calm and quiet that she is often last and could be easily looked over if I give the boys all the attention that they demand each day so I have to be super intentional to give Lucy cuddles and kisses just because. If I wait till she asks for them, she may never get them but she secretly longs for them. I know that I have to watch out for the boys because Lucy will tackle them out of love, but sometimes it really hurts them. So I have to make sure the boys are safe and that Lucy knows it’s ok to play but not to push. I know each of their cries and usually what the cries mean. I know Oliver’s bored cry, Shepherd’s scared cry, and Lucy’s fix this cry. I know all of their hungry cries and their sleepy cries. I know things about them that Derek doesn’t simply because I spend so much more time with them. I know that if I had one baby then it would be easier to see the details in the shorter spans of time with just 1, but with 3, I love that in my full days with them I get to take my time learning about each one individually. If I had 1 baby, then those different cries and personality traits could be heard/seen in the evenings or mornings or weekends, but with 3 babies, that’s at least 9 different cries! I love that I know these details. I love that they sleep and eat amazingly well in a large part because I am at home with them and keep them on this super specific schedule that day care may not be able to do since keeping 3 kids on the exact same schedule is tricky. Feeding 3 babies at once is not usually on a day care workers resume. haha I know which order they need to eat and be put to sleep to make sure that the schedule is smooth and easy for the day. I love that they haven’t been sick much in this first year (knock on wood) because they aren’t exposed to as many germs. The list goes on…
BUT man I miss working. I miss adult interaction. I miss using my math brain and teacher skills. I miss how every day is so different in teaching and every class is different. I miss the immediate gratification of knowing I just taught a really good lesson. I miss getting to eat lunch with my teacher friends, or really just getting to eat lunch. I miss teaching with Derek. I miss the retreat and school trips. I miss stretching my brain and writing a really good test ( I know…nerd alert). I miss being asked for advice and getting to know my students beyond just how they are at math. I miss talking to them about Jesus and life. I have wanted to be a mom since I was little, but I have also wanted to be a math teacher since 8th grade. I never changed my major or changed my mind. I have seriously always wanted to teach high school math. Teaching to me was a passion and calling and something that brings me a lot of purpose. Being a mom also gives me purpose and joy, but I feel like I had one of my arms cut off. Or maybe part of my brain. I know a lot of it is the lack of sleep talking, and I know that I do still have opportunities to stretch my brain. With three babies though, I am very busy all day moving them from one thing to the next. We rotate like stations to different areas of the house about every 15-30 minutes. We read books in the chair, play with dolls by the rocking chair, race cars around the kitchen island, look out the doggy door, play by the wagon and front window, play in their pretend kitchen, play in the cage with blocks, play with magnets on the fridge, etc. Then about every couple hours we go to the high chairs to eat. And now just once a day they go to their cribs for naps. I am constantly making sure that when they all 3 crawl (or walk) in different directions that they don’t hurt themselves. haha It is a wonderful circus, and I really do enjoy it. It’s not that its hard. In fact, it’s really not bad which people find hard to believe. The hardest part is that I literally do the same thing over and over again and the monotony makes my brain feel like its rotting away some days. I do things to help myself like listening to the news and reading intellectual books. I make Derek have discussions with me at night about anything we can thing of. I text and call former students and love that I still have a ministry with them and get to stay really connected with their lives. But I usually get to do these things in quick 5 minute bursts in between wiping spit up and changing a poopy diaper.
Maybe it’s the lack of nap time lately speaking. I had to wake up at 5am to write this, because in the last few days once they get up I’m on duty until Derek gets home from work. Nonstop. I’m lucky if I get to pee kind of nonstop. Staying at home is hard. It’s a sacrifice, and I am so thankful that I can financially do this. I really am incredibly blessed to watch my babies grow. After infertility we didn’t know if we would ever have babies in our house and we probably won’t ever have them in our house again. So I am soaking up the baby stage but staying at home all day everyday is really harder than I thought it would be. I really do miss my classroom, ministry, math, the creativity of teaching, and good deep intellectually stimulating conversations.
That said, its also really hard on Derek to not be at home. He is constantly sad about missing something and just misses the kids. He asks for videos and pictures all day because he leaves right as they are waking up and comes home right as they are winding down for the night and not near as happy and playful. He misses a lot. Just like I feel as though I am missing an arm because I am not teaching, Derek feels like he is constantly missing an arm because he isn’t with the kids all day. I know that if I was teaching right now that I would feel the same way. Having multiple passions and loving your job makes this whole parenting thing even more tricky. It’s hard to want to be in 2 places at the same time. It brings up a lot of feelings of guilt and makes it hard to be present. I feel guilty that I don’t find all of my fulfillment in this wonderful world of babies that I have longed for and fought for over the past few years. Derek feels guilty that he is missing so many things with the kids. And if we switched rolls we would still feel guilty.
Learning to deal with the guilt and pressure to make the most out of this season that I find myself in is hard, but rewarding. I’m finding peace in things like my morning cup of tea before the babies get up and our evenings together just me and Derek when the kids go to sleep. I find rest in the short breaks in the day when no one is crying and one or all 3 of the babies come and crawl into my lap for a snuggle. I find joy in watching all 3 learn to play together and interact with me. I find comfort in how well adjusted they have become and the way they love me and others. I find intellectual stimulation in this blog and in talking to former students and friends. Thank you for reading this and for being a support to me this year. This blog has provided a wonderful outlet for me to process my emotions but also to just use my brain. I’m grateful when readers ask me questions or further the discussion because it really does bring some adult intellectual interaction to my day that I so desperately need.
So, today on Ash Wednesday, as I look into this season of Lent and what it means to sacrifice and to be left wanting and waiting for more to come. I am reminded that life and motherhood and staying at home and going to work and just the sacrifices that life demands, well they are all worth it. But it takes intentionality to really believe that truth. It takes discipline and more sacrifice to find the time to sit with Jesus and be still so that He can lavish His truth over you. I invite you to walk through this season of Lent with me. Maybe it’s time to give up a luxury to find time to process guilt and feelings of inadequacy. Maybe it’s time to find fulfillment and purpose in something bigger than even family and work. I know this is true for me. Every morning this week I have written out this phrase: “I am safe. I am loved. May your presence go with me and give me rest.” I pray the same over you today. May you find safety and love not in the fulfillment of work or family but in knowing that Jesus will give you rest.