Grace Not Perfection

Derek and I are so grateful that we were able to go back to China this year. We took 20 high school students along with 2 other amazing adults and spent 10 days in a place that is close to both of our hearts. Derek has been going to Shepherd’s Field Children’s Village outside of Beijing for 10 years, and it is was my 4th trip. It’s hard to explain how beautiful this special needs orphanage is to us and so many others. We love the way they love and show Jesus to the world. The second reason that this trip was so good for me was that I was able to really pour into the high school students that came with us. I loved getting to be 100% focused on them. I love the way God has provided a ministry for Derek and I in this season with 3 little ones. We absolutely love that our house is open to students frequently to just come and play and talk and hang out. That’s what we have always dreamed of. When SLO is running around though, I am constantly switching between focusing on the kids and students. In China, I loved just getting to focus on those amazing 20 students that we brought with us! We had so many great conversations about life and Jesus and how to love ourselves and others and how to make Jesus come alive in the everyday. The third reason that China was so life giving to me was that I was able to eat 3 meals a day while sitting (the food in China is the BEST!!), and I got to read! I haven’t had much time lately to read (shocker right?!) so getting to pour over some good books was really refreshing to me.

I was very intentional about choosing books that would help me in my quest to find peace in my imperfections since this is something that I desperately need. The two books that I chose were Grace Not Perfection by Emily Ley and The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. 

Grace Not Perfection was good and practical and spoke truth into many of the things that I am currently doing. I already live a pretty organized life. I get rid of clutter. I make time for things that bring me life — like good conversations with girls that I mentor, writing, working out, quiet time in the morning. I get good sleep (surprising, right?). I ask for help. I still have date nights with Derek. I have given up on the picture perfect house and clothes and babies and have enjoyed and found contentment in our own beautiful circus (cue Greatest Showman music – my new favorite album). We have a house cleaner and aren’t ashamed of asking for help. We have good community and family that pour into us constantly. We also seek it out and are intentional with surrounding ourselves with people that love us and love our kids well.

Even though most of Grace Not Perfection was just re-iterating these things that I already believed and practiced, the last section was really good for me. I want to share a little excerpt. First though, let me put this into perspective. I am writing this morning with 2 sick kids at home and the 3rd will probably get sick in the morning. I’m talking 104.7 high fevers for 4 days each kid (not at the same time so it lasts forever). We have had our fair share of sickness lately. Sick babies and being trapped inside takes a toll on me. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. One baby is hard, triplets are really hard, sick triplets are near impossible. Derek and I had planned on me having a day to work on writing and AP Statistics this week, so I decided to try and go today. I spent the first hour of my time sitting in the parking lot of the coffee shop crying hysterically in my car, stressing about the kids being sick, stressed about Derek trying to be super dad (which he actually is super dad) and not calling me if it gets too hard, mad that they are always sick, and mad at myself for not being able to let go of everything. On top of that, my AP Statistics online class didn’t work out, so I’m mad and upset that I don’t have stat to work on. Mostly though I’m angry that my kids are always sick. That when my kids get sick, all 3 get sick and it takes 3 times longer for them to get better and so few people really understand what that’s like. I’m angry that the summer is more than half over, and we have only had a couple days at home with 3 healthy kids. I’m angry that I can’t just sit and hold my sick baby(ies) because there are always 2 others to chase. I’m mad that instead of enjoying my morning off, I’m worried about the kids and unable to shut my brain off and let go. So in that frame of mind, I read this from Emily Ley’s Grace Not Perfection:

“This isn’t how it’s supposed to look… Stop right there. How is it supposed to look? When we create fantasy images in our heads, we slay the beauty in our lives. Comparison truly is the thief of joy. And we’ve established that standard of perfection in our work and our families based on what? Social media highlight reels? Perfect people? (Im telling you — they’re like unicorns. They don’t exist.) Being a woman with many loves and responsibilities will test your patience, stretch your will, and make you love more fiercely than you ever thought possible – because time is your most precious commodity. Remember, though, that this part of life — this busy, crazy, circus-like place you’re in — is but a season. It will come and go just like all the others. Let some things slide. It’s ok if you don’t wash your hair for a week at a time during this phase. (That’s what dry shampoo and top knots are for!) There will be plenty of other times to be that kind of beautiful. Now is the time to be another kind of beautiful. Now is the time for patience, gracefulness, four books before bed, thoughtful communication, adventures, and being a master at Candy Land.”

So today instead of dwelling in the land of self-pity and self-hatred, I will seek to love where I am and who I am. I will do my best to spend a few extra minutes laughing at the crazy and a few less minutes on my phone. I will steal all the hugs and sick snuggles that I can get, even if they are fewer than most. I will cut myself some slack and give myself and my friends and my husband and my kids grace, grace, and more grace. And then I will give myself a little more grace. I am hardest on myself. Many years ago, before I was even married, I sat with a 10th grade student that is now one of my dearest kindred spirits. She shared with me about her struggles with anxiety. She gave me a quote that was her phone’s screensaver and has sense been my screensaver off and on for a long time. It said, “I will hold myself to a standard of Grace not Perfection.”

This has been my screensaver off and on for several years.

Since then, we have both been through many ups and downs, and we both come back to that phrase often. It’s not something that you learn once and move on. It’s a constant daily battle. But today, and then again tomorrow, and then the next day, I will strive to hold myself to a standard of grace not perfection. In the next post, I’ll share with you about how Brene Brown and her book really opened my eyes as to why this is so hard and how to start to try to fumble into letting grace become my reality.

Let’s Talk About Anxiety

I have always been high stress and high anxiety. As a high school student, I was not satisfied with anything less than a 100. As a teacher myself, I now understand why my teachers were often frustrated when I would argue my 1 point after making a 99. I was that kid. I also played about 5 sports depending on the year. You could say I am fairly competitive…ok very competitive. I hate losing. I hate failure. I hate dependency. I love to be the one helping others and hate when I have let someone down. I have a very high standard for myself. Mistakes waste time. 

It turns out that these qualities clash a little with being a parent…especially a parent to 3 babies at one time. At any given moment, I am holding one screaming child while trying to chase 2 more. While my body is physically chasing children, my mind is simultaneously trying to plan out dinner, pack for the day, prep for tutoring, connect with friends, figure out how to best form community, attend church and bible study, mentor high school/college girls, be intentional about my marriage, treat each of my kids as individuals, be present, have quiet time, take care of myself, eat well, be a good daughter, a good sister…These are all good things, but my mind is exploding. I am beyond overwhelmed. I am constantly failing at something. I have written before about my dependency (see last post), and I am constantly feeling like I’m letting someone down or forgetting something. My brain just doesn’t have enough room. The result equals lots and lots of panic attacks. I’m talking curled in a ball, hysterically crying, unable to think logically, panic attacks. I kept trying to “fix” them. I joined the gym and REALLY thought that would be the end of the panic attacks. Surely I just need to work out, then I won’t be overwhelmed. It did help. It actually helped a lot, but I still got overwhelmed. And when I got overwhelmed I felt like a failure and then got stressed about being overwhelmed and felt guilty for being overwhelmed and felt like a burden on everyone around me…cue another panic attack. After a week of not sleeping because I was having panic attacks all night, I decided I needed a different solution. 

I have been mentoring for as long as I can remember. It brings me so much life and purpose to walk through life with girls that are younger than me. I love being vulnerable and honest and learn just as much from them as they do from me. It has always and will always be a part of my life. In fact, it’s how Derek and I met. We both love doing ministry and especially love when our ministries overlap. In ministry and mentoring, I tell girls constantly how amazing counseling is and how normal it is to need to share your thoughts and emotions with a professional that can help you sort through all of the millions of jumbled webs in your head. The funny and ironic thing is that I didn’t think that I needed to go to a counselor. I didn’t need counseling. I could do this by myself. I was fine. I could fix this. Counseling is too expensive. I am too busy. I’ll just pray more and it will all go away. I believed these things to be true. Turns out, that didn’t make them true.

In ministry, I also talk a lot about how important it is to understand that mental health is real just like physical health is real, but to be honest it’s still hard for me to really wrap my head around that concept. Recently Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain lost their lives to suicide and again I am reminded of the truth that so many people do not understand mental health. I believe that many of us deep down think that if we are full of the Spirit and if we are close enough to God and read our Bible enough and have enough quiet time, that we don’t need help with anxiety; we don’t need counseling. If we have God, we won’t be depressed or have panic attacks. The phrase “mentally ill” gets responses like. “Oh, they really need Jesus in their life.” While someone with cancer or a broken bone or an ear infection gets prayed for in a totally different way. I am not depressed, but I am not mentally well either. I have been so angry at myself for not being able to control my thoughts. I have been so angry that I have punched walls and the floor and yelled. I have been so disappointed in myself and felt so much shame and guilt because somewhere deep down I believe that I should be able to get a hold of this. I can control this. I can fix this. Or at least, God can fix this. I just have to pray more.

I want to say very clearly that I believe that if you are depressed or struggle with anxiety or any sort of mental illness:

1. You are not alone.

2. It is not your fault.

3. Prayer, and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are real and alive and strong and powerful. I believe that God heals. But in the same way that someone with a broken arm needs to go to a doctor, oftentimes if you are dealing with depression or anxiety or any other mental illness, you need to get help. AND IT’S OK TO GET HELP!!!! 

It doesn’t mean that we aren’t strong enough or close enough to God. It doesn’t mean that we have failed. I think that everyday it is becoming more and more socially acceptable to proclaim that you go to counseling. Even though that is true, and even though I finally did go. I have only been once and it was amazing and so helpful (I’ll talk more about it later), but I’m nervous to go back. Most days I have again convinced myself that I don’t really need it. I convince myself that it’s too expensive or that I don’t have the time. Derek (my oh so wise husband) strongly explained one day that if I broke my arm, I wouldn’t sit around saying, “Sorry I’m not going to the doctor because it’s too expensive.” Or “I would love to go to the doctor to fix my broken arm, but I just don’t have time.” When will I finally wrap my head around the fact that mental and physical illnesses are not that different?

I’m not writing this, pretending that I have all the answers. I don’t. In fact, I have few answers. But what I do know, is that there is no shame in seeking help.