Mother’s Day

Today is Mother’s Day. A day that is beautiful and meaningful to many, but also a day that resurrects hopes unfulfilled and unthinkable loss. It is a day that looks different for us all. For just a minute though I want us all to close our eyes and imagine God as our Mother. I know that seems weird to some because we are used to calling God our Father, and he is, but He is also our mother. You see, God is so much more than a man, God is all things – He is love. He is the I AM. He is strength and power and gentleness and nurturing and love. So today join me. Close your eyes. Uncross your legs. Lay your hands in your lap palm up if you feel comfortable and welcome God into this space. 

I have a place where God speaks to me. Not in loud voices, but in quiet whispers of hope. Silent washes of peace and understanding. Still moments filled with understanding that I am whole and seen and wonderfully made. Sometimes there are voices of booming joy and confidence in this life that I am living but mostly it is a small calm, a gentle peak into the canvas of my life that shows me that all will be made right. Even when all feels rough and my brain is scattered with the “to-dos” that never end. Even when all I want to do is sleep and hide from the responsibilities of today. Even when all I want is to be numb from the reality of war and pain and suffering. Even when I am drowning in the fears of never being enough to all those around me. Even in the exhaustion of remembering all of the things for all of my people and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Even still, She finds me – mother God – just waiting to gather me up yet again. She finds me in my chair. My pink chair in the corner with my warm fuzzy blanket. She lets me lean my head on her shoulders and just be. That being is all that she requires. That is enough for her to see me and know me. Then she fills me with the promise of peace, a peace that passes understanding, a peace that will guard my heart and my mind. So today I sit. Before any of the accomplishing of today can be done, first I must sit. Not even to say eloquent words of supplication and thanksgiving, but simply to sit. Anne Lamott says that there are 2 great prayers, “Help me. Help me. Help me.” And “Thank you. Thank you. Thank.”May we find you here Dear Lord. When sorrows like sea billows roll and when silver white winters burst into spring – may we find you here. It’s never too late. It’s never been too long. We dont have to wait until we have become or wait until we have finished. We cant wait until we have time. We must sit at the table. We must find the stillness. We find it in the passing moment of quiet before we close our eyes and the moment after we turn off the alarm. We find it in the grocery store line and in the elevator music when we are on hold. We find it in the in between. But we have to look for it. We have to see it. We have to let our minds find the stillness and simply be there. When my mind wanders as it will, I just breath the word wandering and simply move past it. There is no shame in this space. Only being. Here we find Him. Here he finds us. Hello dear one, oh how you are loved. Oh how I love that you are mine – perfectly imperfect. No expectations or demands. I see your hurt and your pain. I see your beauty and dreams. Just as you are. So come. Come to the table. Come to the cross. Let yourself be found. Again and again. 

Choose Creativity

I have always been an “I do it myself” kind of girl (Lucy comes by it honestly). My parents tell stories of 3 year old me, declaring that I could do everything myself. I’m proud of my independence and gift of speaking my truth. However, on the flip side, I’m also a highly sensitive person that gets so anxious about pleasing others. I replay conversations with friends and strangers for days wondering if I misspoke or said something wrong. I hate disappointing people, especially my people. This dichotomy of emotions tugs at my heart and often leaves me in panic mode trying to figure out which side will win. Will I be strong and brave today, or weak and anxious? On my bad days, in order to fight against this feeling of panic, I try to control everything. I try to control what my kids wear, and eat, and say. If they look all pretty and perfect, then maybe I wont be anxious. I try to control the interactions I have throughout the day by attempting to be the perfect friend, wife, mother, daughter. I even try to blame my anxiety on my people – If I can do it all just right, then nobody can be displeased with me, they will say all the “right” things, and I can be both brave and overcome my anxiety. If everyone around me is happy because I made them that way, all will be well. 

Turns out this is not a good strategy for life. 

It’s actually really hard and exhausting trying to control everyone else’s emotions. Who knew? 

In the church world, I have been taught that I just need to “give it all to God.” “Let go of all of my worries and just let God take over.” And while I understand the sentiment here, I dont necessarily agree. My kids have this excellent Children’s book Ruby Has a Worry. In it, Ruby finds out that the only way to make her worry smaller is to share it and talk about it with others. I truly believe that sharing and speaking our worries to God is a beautiful start. We should lay them at the feet of Jesus. I believe that his yoke is easy and his burden is light. As an anxious person this is a wonderful declaration. But does laying my burdens down, mean that I then turn and run? God is a good Father/Mother and good parents listen to their children as they pour out their worries and fears. Good parents listen, encourage, and walk with you through them. They don’t, however, take the wheel and try to fix everything and control their children’s lives, right?  I believe that the answer is not in the laying of the burdens, but in what we do once we have laid them down. I don’t follow a God that treats me as a pawn or a puppet. I follow a creator, an artist, that asks me to come paint alongside them. We create together. Thats the beauty of who God is. He isn’t an ATM or a driveby wishing well. He is an artist that wants to paint a beautiful picture, a beautiful life with us. Emmanuel is God with us, not God in place of us.

Amos 4:13 – 

“He is here. 

The one who forms the mountains,

creates the wind,

and reveals his thoughts to [humankind],

the one who makes the dawn into darkness

and strides on the heights of the earth.

The Lord, the God of Angle Armies, is his name.”

He is with us. The God that created the wind is a present God that wants to carve and sculpt with me . The God who formed the mountains is still waiting to write a beautiful story with ME. The God who makes the dawn into darkness and that darkness back into light, He wants to shape and create a life with me. The art that our creator inspires is not just paintings and manuscripts. He wants to create a life worth living, a life full of wonder and magic and joy.

The hard part is that we wont be able to see the beauty or hear him whisper alongside us unless we let go of the control. But remember, don’t let go just so that He can control everything. He is here with us, not to control us or to control our world. But he is here waiting for us to stop listening to what the world wants of us and to start creating. He is a creator. God is an artist. I am convinced that the opposite of control is not apathy. The opposite of controlling everything around me is not that I just don’t care anymore. The opposite of control is creativity. I have to let the creator of the universe,  reveal himself to me. That is impossible if I am constantly trying to do everything and be everywhere and please everyone. I am missing the creativity. I am missing the beauty. 

To find that beauty, in order to actually be creative, I have to make space for that. Just as God spoke the world into being out of nothing, creativity can only come from nothing. I have to make space to listen. To see what God is up to and to join him in that. It is not my job to be everything to everyone or even to produce the most perfect and beautiful art. I just need to listen to where God is and join in. That is where art begins.

I want to create a beautiful life. Not a controlled one. It wont be a perfect life. It may still be full of hardship and heartbreak, but it will be beautiful.

Thoughts on Mourning and Being Grateful

Over the last few weeks I have talked to friends that have cancelled their weddings. I have mourned with friends as they have lost a loved one without getting to fully mourn or even to celebrate the life of their loved one with others. I have talked to seniors in high school that aren’t getting the closure and ending that they imagined. I have talked to family members and friends that are missing big life events like babies being born, college or grad school graduations, family trips, the ending to a great school year, or simply just missing community. 

Right now there are so many unknowns and it’s ok to mourn that this season does not look like you imagined it would look. As I have listened and processed with others in this season, I have noticed that so often we are sitting in this tension between the excitement of really big events and at the same time feeling sad and disappointed. Regularly I catch myself feeling so angry and frustrated and yet so content and thankful in the exact same breath. The dichotomy of emotions, excited/disappointed or angry/content, it can be exhausting. Trying to balance it all and process it all at the same time is challenging, but it’s also necessary. The most difficult part is when we let ourselves feel shame as we wrestle with the tension.

While obviously very different than a global pandemic, I have been remembering and channeling many emotions that I felt during my pregnancy and giving birth. 

Since I was a little girl, I had dreams of enjoying pregnancy and that the day I gave birth would be a magical day. I imagined the announcement and the gender reveal. I imagined getting to breastfeed and all of the cuddles that the newborn stage would bring. In reality, pregnancy and the triplets’ birth was not at all how I had pictured it. I of course am so grateful that I have my 3 blessings but pregnancy was painful and TERRIFYING. I literally thought one or all of them would die everyday. And then they were born, and I laid in a room alone for 2 hours wondering if they were alive. They were rushed to the NICU, 2/3 not breathing. And then I couldn’t hold them for a couple days and they were in the hospital for 5 weeks. We couldn’t really have visitors in the hospital and there was a lot of fear and unknown. 

I had to give myself permission to mourn not having a “normal” birthing experience. I cried each night as I set in an empty nursery at home pumping milk into a machine for 5 weeks while my babies set in a hospital room without me. I mourned not having a “normal” pregnancy and that I had to go to see a doctor almost every week while pregnant. I was scared every time. I mourned that I never got to surprise Derek with a positive pregnancy test. I mourned not ever getting that sweet calm newborn stage at home with one tiny human. I mourned that I won’t ever have any more kids.

It’s ok to mourn that this season is different than most peoples’ “normal” engagement. And that probably your wedding won’t be “normal” either. It’s ok to mourn that you missed prom and graduation and countless other rights of passage. It’s ok to mourn that this trip that you had planned for years or months is not not going to happen. It’s ok to mourn that your child doesn’t get to finish out the year with the teacher that was so good for them. It is ok to mourn that your child doesn’t get a birthday party, or that you don’t get a birthday party. It’s ok to mourn that you miss your friends and church. It’s ok to mourn that you were just starting to find a healthy rhythm to life when all of this hit, and now you are back to being full of anxiety and feel alone. Let go of the guilt. Let yourself feel the feelings. The only way to get through your emotions is to get through them. (I have been listening to a lot of Brene Brown these days – if that speaks to you, go listen to her podcast. Find language and peace with your emotions.) Another thing they said on her podcast was that there is no room for comparison of grief. The worst loss is your own. We need to let go of the guilt that comes with knowing that someone else’s pain is always “worse” than our own. I’m going to say it again. Let go of the shame. Let yourself mourn.

But as you mourn, remind yourself of the truth and goodness and wonder that is around you right now too. It is both/and. There are both things to mourn AND things to celebrate. Sometimes in order to find the other side to this coin, we have to simply be still and listen. We also, just have to give ourselves permission to feel all of the feelings. Just like I would go through all that mess and pain every day 100 times over to have my 3 amazing healthy kids. It’s ok to lean into both of those truths. I mourned a “normal” pregnancy and birth story but at the same time celebrated that I get to watch 3 adorable and wild humans form a bond with each other and with me that few people will understand. I gained community and support beyond what I could dream because I could not survive on my own. I rejoice every day knowing that I get to be a mom to 3 of the sweetest and coolest kids I have ever met. I can be both thankful and completely content, but also angry and disappointed at the same time. Take time today to both allow yourself to mourn AND to be thankful. Life was meant to be lived leaning into both. 

Quarantine Day7

Yesterday I let myself be sad. The first 6 days of Quarantine,  I went so hard and wanted to be super positive and do all of the things and do them well – teach every class, be present for the kids, take care of my high school kids, have a strong positive presence on social media, be a light of joy in a hard time, be a good wife and support my incredible husband who worked with a team to get our school of 1600 students and 150 teachers online in 1 day, take care of myself, don’t have anxiety, focus on today, feed the kids, teach them how to pee in the potty, make this a fun and memorable time for them…the list goes on. Yesterday I took a break from all of it. I didn’t take a single picture. I did lots of cuddles on the couch watching Frozen 2 and several other shows. I cried. I let myself be really sad because I miss people and unknowns make me really anxious. I yelled at my husband and then made up with my husband. I texted friends to help me. I asked for advice. I went for a run but didn’t worry that I had to walk some. I cried some more. I wished that I was an introvert but then realized that this whole thing is just as hard on introverts (well introverts with small kids) because they never actually get to be alone either. Yesterday I let myself feel all the emotions.

This morning, I feel better. I feel less tired. I feel less alone. This morning I still feel a little anxious but I know that I have several friends just a text or marco polo or zoom away. I know that physical activity has to be a part of my daily routine during this season. I am thankful that I have been through panic attacks and see the warning signs and am aware that this season of isolation is a breading ground for poor mental health. Yesterday, I felt shame for feeling anxious. If you are struggling, you are not alone. You are loved. You are strong. Talk to someone. Anyone. Be vulnerable. Go outside. Stay active. And write. The emotions aren’t the problem. The problem is the shame. Life is not meant to be lived only with rose colored glasses. We are allowed, I am allowed, you are allowed to be sad and to be afraid of all of the unknowns. But we have to remember that this is not how the story ends. Anxiety doesn’t get to win. In a way there is unity in the fact that we are all in this season together. It may look different for everyone but everyone has a Both/And. Life in general is both full of things to be grateful for and things that bring pain. Embrace both. This season enhances both. It enhances the awareness of the people surrounding me and the fact that our health care system is full of servants. It enhances my appreciation for my job. It enhances my need and love for rest and long walks outside. But it also enhances my anxiety and fear in a very real way. It enhances how hard life with 3 three olds can often be. It enhances my need for people. It’s ok that it is both. We need to lean into both at the same time. See the beauty along with the brokenness. “For when I am weak, then He is strong.” 

Don’t Take Yourself so Seriously

Last month I took my 2nd annual silent retreat. Last year I realized that I needed (not necessarily wanted) a day alone – 24 hours – to not text or help or insta or talk to anyone but me and God. It’s often hard for me to figure out my own needs and feelings because I spend so much of my emotional energy taking care of others and thinking about their needs. So, in an effort to listen to the Spirit and take a minute – or 24 hours – to see what God was trying to tell me, and let myself (with a nudge from Derek) take a day off.

Derek and I work hard to give each other days off throughout the year, but this one is different. My silent retreat is a very intentional time to pray through a vision of where I am and what I want for my near future. I listen to God best on a trail. I need trees and a map and comfortable hiking clothes. I need to get tired and breathe deeply. I feel most connected to God when in nature.

I also got to stay at a hotel. My tendency is to check instagram, facebook, check in on my people, binge watch my current TV show, call someone I haven’t talked to in a while, or at least watch a good hallmark movie. It takes a lot of intentionality for me to not do these things for 24 hours. I have to give myself permission to play. Permission to not get anything accomplished. Permission to let expectations, even my own expectations go. I have to waste a little time away from technology and spend several hours just being still or walking around. It was painful to not reach for my phone and fill empty minutes scrolling through social media. It hurts a little bit. Honestly, I didn’t sleep very well either. It is hard for me to be really still. Detoxing is never easy. 

I was aching for my feet to hit the trail, but in the hours before my hike, I felt God giving me permission to waste time and relax and just open myself up to what he wanted me to hear. Each time I would hear a message I would stop briefly, write it down, and continue to walk and process what that means for me and for my life. The holidays are such a busy time, and I have gone back to this list several times to remind myself the truth that exists even (and especially) in the middle of high expectations, travel, to-do lists a mile long, taking kids from one thing to the next, decorating, and trying to squeeze perfection into every second of each day. 

With that in mind, this is the message that God put on my heart:

Don’t take yourself so seriously.

Waste a little more.

Play a little more.

It’s ok to forget things.

It’s ok to let some things go.

Make a mess.

Get dirty.

Spill things.

Get lost.

Go the wrong way.

Take a nap.

Roll the windows down.

Listen more.

Talk less.

Don’t be in a rush.

Let people go in front of me.

It’s ok to be wrong.

Let other people make mistakes too.

Give lots of Grace.

Be kind even if it means letting someone else win.

Take the longer route.

Take time to look people in the eyes.

Give away more.

Live simply.

Simply love.

Take time to enjoy this life that you are working so hard to build.

I sat in the middle of the leaves for a while on the trail and looked for a verse that would help me go a little deeper into what the Spirit was placing on my heart. I have read this verse so many times. We have prayed this verse over our kids since before they were born. Reading it in The Message though made it come to life in a completely new way.

“But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do, what GOD is looking for in men and women. It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don’t take yourself too seriously— take God seriously.” Micah 6:8 MSG

Learning to let more things go and that grace is way more important than perfection has freed me so much these last couple weeks to remember that God is God and I am not. As the holidays continue to just get busier and full of chaos, let this be a reminder to you too. It’s not about getting it all done correctly, or even getting it all done. Advent is a season of sitting and waiting and remembering. I pray that we all find some space for stillness in this Holiday season and that above all we accept the Grace that the birth of Jesus brings us.

When I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I find myself in a season that is a breeding ground for shame. Just being an adult is hard enough in this world of social media and high standards. Then when you add in parenting, marriage, family, friends, ministry, missions, and all of the other hundreds of little things that I’m supposed to do on a daily basis like feed the tiny humans and make sure everyone has clean clothes…well let’s just say I can never get it all done. I hate that I can never get it all done. I feel shame about the fact that I can’t get it all done. I am also ashamed that I have anxiety, crippling anxiety, about all of these things. I feel shame that I am not enough, and I feel shame in the way I deal with not being enough. That is where I began the year and my meditation time with this verse. 

“My grace is sufficient for you.”

If this is true, then I cannot live in shame any longer. If the grace of Jesus is really enough for me, then I have to let go of how many mistakes I made today. If His grace is really sufficient, I have to quit beating myself up about letting my kids watch tv or eat hot dogs or go to daycare or whatever other mom guilt is thrown my way. I have to let go of the fact that I missed opportunities to fix or help or speak truth. I have to let go of the fact that I could have loved better, could have spoken better, could have acted better, could have been braver, or stronger, or wiser. I have to let go of the fact that I am not a perfect friend or mentor or daughter or sister. I have to let go of the fact that I could have said something different, had more patience, been a better mom. I have to let go of the fact that I cannot do it all. I have to let go of the fact that I still get anxious. I have to let go of the fact that I made mistakes, will keep making mistakes, and will probably hurt someone’s feelings or disappoint them. In shaming myself, I am saying that His grace is not enough for me. In covering myself with self-hatred thoughts and words, I am saying that I am above the grace of Jesus. By drowning myself in shame, I am saying, your death, it doesn’t cover me. It doesn’t count for me. Is that what I want? NO! 

So LET IT GO! Let the shame go. Let His grace be sufficient. 

“For my power is made perfect in weakness.”

When I admit and embrace that I am not enough…I mean really embrace and accept that I cannot, will not, and should not be perfect…When I let myself find freedom in the grace of Jesus and fully live knowing that I am imperfect…When I breathe in and out with the knowledge that I am broken in weakness…Then and only then, will the power of Christ be made perfect. As long as I keep trying to be strong all on my own, Christ’s power will have no room in me. There is no place for the Spirit to fill me if I keep pretending like I can do it all on my own. If I keep trying to be everything to everybody, then I will just keep ending the day in a ball on the floor full of anxiety and brokenness. BUT if I can embrace my imperfections and allow myself the freedom to be forgiven and accepted with all of my faults and weakness and shortcomings – not just sometimes but each moment – then the power really comes. Then the power of Jesus, the power of the Spirit, it is perfected in me.

The Bible is full of stories of God using a broken person, group, or place that the world defines as weak, in order to bring power into the world. That is not by accident. God has proven over and over that He is most powerful when us humans step back, accept that we are weak and allow Him to really show off. It is possible for God’s power to be shown in me no matter what, but it is only perfected when I admit and embrace that I can never be enough on my own. 

Now this does not give us license to sin or make excuses for immoral behavior. Christ was able to admit his weakness, let the power of God fill him, and still remain sinless. Sin and weakness are not synonyms. 

“Therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”

So, I must then take it a step further. Not only should I just be weak and accept it, I need to boast about it. I need to shout that I am a screw up. I make mistakes. I need to own it. I need to quit pretending that I have it all together or even that I should have it all together. I need to own this hot mess that I am. Instead of getting embarrassed by my inadequacies,  I need to let go of these crippling expectations and allow Christ to dwell in me. Again, this does not mean that I get a pass to sin but instead that I now can focus on progress over perfection. I have to admit, out loud, that I do not have it all together. Quit the pretending. For him to really fill me with the Spirit, I need to acknowledge without fear that I am struggling on my own and in need of help. This whole life, adulting, parenting thing…It’s all hard. Only when I embrace my weakness, embrace my anxiety, embrace my imperfection, then the power, the spirit of Christ will dwell in me. It will come in, grow roots and start living inside of me. When that power lives inside of me, it starts to seep out into everything I do. But I have to remain humble in knowing that I alone am weak, and that is ok.

“Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I don’t have to be happy that bad things are happening. I’m still allowed to have bad days. I’m allowed to get angry and be frustrated. I’m allowed to beg for another way, just like Jesus did in the garden before dying on the cross. This verse is not saying that God makes the bad things happen for you to be filled with power. It is saying that even though you will go through all kinds of hardships, you can be content knowing that Jesus is hurting with you. This world is broken. It is fallen. Jesus is not going to take away all the distress from your life. I truly believe that a good father shouldn’t and can’t move every difficulty out of the way for His children. But a good father does sit and listen and stroke our hair and cry with us in the insults and pain. He walks with us, gives us wisdom, gives us strength, and gives us POWER! He doesn’t need the bad things in order to give us power. He does however use the weakness, insults, distress, persecution, and difficulties to redeem the brokenness inside of us and bring forth power. He redeems it by filling us in those moments of weakness. He fills us with His spirit so that we are overflowing with the strength and power of Christ. He surrounds us with the church, the body, and our community to strengthen us and help us put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. We can be content and at peace with our weaknesses because Christ is enough. We don’t have to be enough. Life is full of BOTH hardship and life-giving moments. It is full of both insults and encouragement. It is full of both distress and laughter. It is full of both people that tear you down and powerful community that can fill you up. It is full of both difficulties and wonder. I am both weak and strong at the same time. That is the way life is meant to be lived. For when I am weak, then I am strong. Again, I don’t have to rejoice in the fact that the bad is happening BUT you can rejoice that in that moment or season of darkness, in this roller coaster of life, God IS YOUR STRENGTH! Christ is POWER. 

Christ died to wash away our sin and guilt and shame, but he was also RISEN from the grave to show and fill us with POWER. Even in our darkest days, know that Sunday is coming. May we walk in that power today. 

Leaving and Letting Go

Derek and I decided long before we had kids that missions and service and ministry would be a part of our lives. We actually decided that even before we met each other. We both feel called to work with teenagers. We fell in love because as teachers, we were both the last ones on our hallway each day with students in our room, and we would encourage each other and learn from each other as we just naturally started our ministries. Then, once we got married it just made that ministry even greater. Getting to go on mission trips together and pour into teenagers and people around the world as a team has just always been a life giving calling for us both. 

Now that we not only have a child, but THREE children at once, I feared that this special part of us might have to be put on hold or change for a while. And in a lot of ways it has changed. I stay at home with our 3 kids instead of teaching. Students and former students come over to our house now to play with our kids instead of me having lunch or breakfast with them. In addition, we now get the privilege of pouring into 3 small humans together as a team and as ministry. I recognize that our family alone is a huge and wonderful and life giving ministry. BUT I still feel called to go. I love that even though so many pieces of our ministry look different right now, so far we have been able to be leaders on mission trips the last 2 years while raising our triplets. Both my parents and my in-laws have been champs and are willing to watch our kids while we follow this call on our hearts to go. 

That said. I’m really terrified this year. Last year when we went to China, I was so exhausted from taking care of 3 newborns. I hadn’t been out of the house much and the trip just felt so freeing. I felt like I got to remember who I was and how to slow down again. That trip began a journey of self-discovery in me. It reminded me to not get lost in this craziness of motherhood but to listen to the Spirit. It began a season of healing for me. Plus I just loved pouring into the high schoolers on our trip. We were going to a place that is so close to my heart. Shepherd’s Field feels like another home. I felt so confident leaving for that trip, and then coming back I had this image of the kids running to me and jumping in my arms…

Well, for one thing the kids weren’t really running yet, but when we got back, it was hard. Lucy and Oliver were fine and honestly ignored us when we walked up the stairs for the first time after being gone for 10 days. They just kept playing. Shepherd on the other hand was ticked. He was mad that we had left him and wouldn’t let me touch him or hold him or talk to him. He was back to normal by that evening and even more so by the next morning, but it was still hard.

Now here we are several months later, and we are leaving for Honduras tomorrow. I really feel like the Spirit was at work the way this trip just happened to have an open spot the exact year that we aren’t able to go to China. While Derek and I were praying about how we could still be involved together in missions this year, this trip was instantly on our hearts. Derek has been on this trip around 10 times and he has always wanted us to go together. I know that this is where God is calling me. I know that I will find purpose and that God can and will use me if I let him. I know that this group of high school students is fantastic, and I can’t wait to get to know them better. 

But I’m scared. This time, I’m really really scared. My kids spent several days in the hospital just 3 months ago. It’s still winter, so there is a chance that they could get sick again and have to go back while we are gone. More than that, I’m afraid to leave Shepherd. I know that Lucy and Oliver will barely miss me (haha), but my sensitive Shepherd will be mad again. I’m afraid that it will mess him up. I’m afraid that he will be so mad at me that it will forever change our relationship. I’m afraid that he won’t love me the same. Last year he couldn’t talk. This year, he can tell me how mad he is that I was gone.

The truth is, those things might happen. They probably won’t, but they might. They might get sick. Shepherd might be mad at me for days or weeks this time. It might make his anxiety worse. He might cry for me everyday that I am gone. But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t go. 

If I don’t go, then God will still do amazing things on that trip. He doesn’t need me to make that trip great. I’m not going because I am this wonderful Christian and the best mentor and the only one that can pour into those high schoolers. That’s not it at all. I am not invaluable. But I do feel called to go. 

I’m going because I need my kids to know that even though they have forever changed my life and my ministry, my life is bigger than just the 3 of them. My ministry is bigger than the 3 of them. I feel guilty typing that. I feel scared typing that. But I want to raise kids that become adults that depend on Jesus and have coping skills to bravely take on the world. AND I am the best me when I have purpose outside of just them. I am a better version of myself when I am both loving them and others. I need both and that’s ok.

My theme for the year continues to be BOTH/AND. I am both a mom and a minister to teenagers. God has called me to both. And so even though I am scared…I will go.

A New Year

As I look back on 2018, I am filled with a dichotomy of emotions that exist simultaneously. I am both exhausted and content. I have both wonderful memories from the year and some that are really painful. My heart is heavy and filled at the same time. It feels like I spent just as much time at the doctor, hospital, and emergency room, as I did just enjoying my precious babies this year, BUT at the same time in all of the sickness, our family was bombarded with love and support from our friends and family which brings me so much joy. I think that this is the way that life is meant to be lived – in the world of the “both/and.” With every hardship and negative, there is a positive and shining light to be found. Sometimes it takes a while, and sometimes I just don’t have the energy or time or desire to see it, but it’s still there. In fact, the positive may just be that we survived. I sure am thankful that “His mercies are new every morning.” I’m thankful for grace. I’m thankful for the ability to be both full of love and full of anxiety at the same time. I’m thankful that my babies are both messy and beautiful. I’m thankful that my marriage has both been challenged and strengthened this year. I’m thankful that even though my ministry seems smaller, it also seems deeper. I’m thankful that even though my kids have had around 13 ear infections, a few sinus infections, several stomach bugs, Hand Foot & Mouth, ear tubes, RSV, pneumonia, more runny noses, coughs and colds than I can count, stitches, bumps, bruises, busted lips all in 2018…today they are happy and healthy. I’m thankful that even though 2018 brought my most challenging mental and emotional year as I struggled through anxiety and panic attacks, it also brought me Brene Brown, the Enneagram, a good counselor, and more soul searching and self-discovery than I ever thought possible. 2018 brought both many tears, and also so many belly laughs that kept me rolling for days. 

Each year I pick a verse that defines what I want to focus on and meditate over for the year. I learn the context of that verse and memorize it. I put it on my heart and mind and soul. When I look back and read my verses from the years past, the feelings and emotions of that year come flooding back. I can feel where my heart was at that time and how that verse spoke to me. I have written a few times about my verse for 2018 – Exodus 14:13-14. I have needed this verse so many times this year. As I am sitting here praying and trying to decide my verse for 2019, the “both/and” feels very important. I want the freedom to feel seemingly opposite emotions at the exact same time. This year I want to embrace the fact that I am both weak and strong. I want to feel confident that even though my anxiety might not leave, the Lord’s grace will continue to be even more abundant. I want to focus less on where I fall short and rather on where Christ is more than enough. In fact, I want to acknowledge that without my insufficiencies, the fullness of Christ’s strength may not be seen. So today, here’s to me not being enough but enough all at the same time. 2019, I’m ready for you. 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Who am I?

I have been wrestling a lot lately with this very simple question: “Who am I?” 

For the past year and a half with newborn/baby triplets, I have been a survivor and just making it to the next day with healthy, happy babies. Staying sane was my goal and sometimes seemed like an unattainable goal. Now that Shepherd, Lucy, and Oliver are toddlers and especially now that they go to 3 half days of pre-school each week, I have time to really figure out my goals and identity beyond just survival. Do I want to be a teacher again? Do I want to solely focus on being a great stay at home mom? Do I want to be a writer? Do I want to run a marathon? Do I want to focus on ministry and missions? Who am I? 

Everyday recently I get asked 2 questions by friends, family, and strangers. I’m not talking once or twice… I have been asked these at least once a day for 5 weeks.

1. Are you supermom taking care of triplets!?
2. What are you doing with all of your free time now that the babies go to school?

For some reason, both of these questions make me feel super defensive. I have laid awake in the middle of the night several times over the last few weeks trying to come up with good answers to these questions. First of all, let’s clear the air, I am NOT a supermom. I am a very tired mom. I struggle with anxiety. I struggle with patience. I struggle with balance and often feel like a failure. All of us are just doing our best one day at a time. If you had triplets, you would figure it out one day at a time too. If you have one baby, and it’s crazy hard, it doesn’t mean that you couldn’t handle 3 babies, it would just be different. I do this whole motherhood of triplets thing with a WHOLE lot of help and a WHOLE lot of mistakes. But as soon as I can explain that I’m a mess and not a superhero, I get that 2nd question… “So, what are you doing with all of your free time now that the babies go to school?”

I’ve been on a journey since May to learn how to take care of myself and to find peace and presence in the chaos. Part of that journey was creating space and time in my life to practice self-care. I’m learning how to say no and how to be still. Those 12 hours each week with the kids at pre-school allow me to eat. They allow me to sit and think and breathe. They allow me to do laundry and go to the grocery store. They allow me space to deal with all the hiccups that come with having three toddlers like going to the doctor, cleaning up our dog peeing everywhere, or just organizing the house. They allow me time to not just survive. I feel so much guilt and so much shame in the fact that this time is free time. I can choose what I do with it, and I feel like I need to itemize every single minute of it to anyone that asks. I go into detail of how I tutor at night and that time allows me to prep for tutoring. It allows me to prep for dinner and to create an online class. I feel this deep need to make sure that people know I’m using my time wisely. I might need to go apologize to some strangers that were just trying to politely make small talk in asking me this question, and I instead went into this monologue about every detail of my Monday, Thursday, and Friday mornings. I feel like if I’ve been given this gift of time, but I have sadly attached strings to that time. Since I do not work a full time job, and since I pay money for my kids to go to pre-school, I better be able prove that I’m using my time wisely. Prove that it’s worth it. Prove that I’m worth it. 

So I am simultaneously trying to convince people that I am far from perfect, but using my time perfectly all at the same time. I’m emotionally exhausted. 

When you meet someone for the first time, one of the first questions they ask is “What do you do?” “Tell me about yourself.” My answer has always been, “I’m a teacher!” For the past year and a half, that answer has been, “I have triplets!” But now I have time to be more than just a mom of triplets. I have time to do things and find myself again. So back to the question…who am I? Who do I want to be?

My revelation is slowly coming from 2 places – first from my husband Derek (the birthplace of most of my revelations) and also from Lauren Daigle. 

First, Derek preached a sermon at our church a few weeks ago about the Holy Spirit and led everyone in an exercise of breath prayer. Click here to check it out.

At the end of the exercise you are standing with Jesus and he is looking you in the eyes and calmly and gently asks, What can I do for you? And I immediately wanted to yell – WHO AM I? Who am I, Jesus? What am I supposed to do with my life? I knew the answer was that I am His. I knew that. But even then I didn’t feel like it was enough. I didn’t feel like I was enough. I felt like well sure, of course I’m yours, but I still need to earn your love and Derek’s love and my kids’ love and my friends’ and parents’ love. I know I’m yours, but what do I need to DO?? Who am I was so intimately tied to what I do. It has always been tied to my grades, my thoughtfulness, my church attendance, my athletic ability, my relationship status, the size of my ministry, the way I care for others…

Then, a couple weeks Lauren Daigle released a new album called “Look Up Child.” The entire album has been on repeat at my house but one song in particular has been really speaking truth over me. In it, she asks the same question: “Remind me who I am!?” And the answer has nothing to do with WHAT she does but WHOSE she is. “You say I am loved…You say I am strong…You say I am held…You say that I am Yours.” That has to be enough. And all I need to do is believe.

Believe that I am loved. Believe that I don’t have to earn love. Believe that my goals and my identity and the answer to the question about my “free” time and all of the million things that need to get done everyday…they aren’t what makes me, ME. I still need to dream big dreams and create and aspire to do and listen to what God calls me, BUT that has nothing to do with who I am. I was so convinced that those things were all tied together. If all I get done in the 4 hours that the kids are at school is to refocus my brain and remind myself that I am loved, it was a successful morning. I don’t have to prove myself. I am enough.

Let me just leave these song lyrics with you and the link to the youtube video:

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough

Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up

Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?

Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

You say I am held when I am falling short

When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours

And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)

What You say of me (I)

I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me

In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity.

You are not the sum of what you DO. You are loved. You are strong. You are a child of the King. You are enough.

Approval Addiction Part 2

If you haven’t already read “Approval Addiction part 1,” you might want to go check out my brief overview of the Enneagram and the background of this post. I wanted to split up my Enneagram Two thoughts into two posts because this set deals specifically with me as a “Two” mom. Like I said before, I have always struggled with pleasing others. I have high anxiety and fear and shame about disappointing others. It will always be something that I battle. It will always be something that I will daily hand over to God. That said, the shame of not being enough has been tripled lately with the addition of my 3 beautiful children.

The whole having kids thing, especially three at a time, means that all I want to do and think I can do is take care of them (and all of the other people in my life). Then, I have no time left to take care of myself. I feel so much pressure to take care of them and everyone else around me all at the same time, and I am exhausted from my inability to be everything for everyone all the time. The beautiful thing is that I do not need to be everything or even half of the things that I place on myself. Believing that I am enough is hard, but identifying the lies buried deep down and speaking truth over them, is the first step. Writing down my thoughts in this blog has helped give me freedom to believe them. I re-read these thoughts regularly. Usually my head is filled with others’ feelings and emotions so writing and re-reading this blog helps me remember truth and my true thoughts and feelings. 

Just like the last post, many of these thoughts may resonate with you even if you are not a Two on the Enneagram. Many mothers and females in the church feel anxiety over being a helper as they try to balance all that life calls them to be and do. We are being told by so many people and places exactly what our lives need to look like. We are told that our role is to support and be in the background and not lead. 

I hope that you also find truth and freedom as you read as well.

Please tread cautiously and graciously as you enter into my thoughts for the next few minutes. Recognize that this is difficult for me, and that I am just beginning to figure out how to break free from them. 

Thought #1: Before kids I had time to be an unhealthy Two, running around taking care of everyone, needing to be needed, creating this web of support where I was validated and lifted up for my helpfulness. Now with the kids, I just don’t have the time. So I’m running around trying to patch these holes that are just constantly dripping with water, and it’s impossible to help them all. I’m so afraid that one will burst open and it will be my fault. And in reality they are bursting. I will always love taking care of others, doing ministry, mentoring, and reaching out. There is a healthy way to take care of people. In order to get there, I have to realize that I am not the savior. I love being a Two. I love that I genuinely enjoy serving, mentoring, teaching, being a mom, and giving of myself. Those things bring me life and will always fill me with joy and purpose. I love that I am good at seeing a need and knowing what to do. I love that I am an encourager. I don’t want to ever lose that piece of me. However, I need to let go of the lie that everyone needs me in order to rebuild and regain life and purpose in knowing that Jesus is the one that speaks through me. I am nothing without Him. He should fight for me. I need to be still and quiet and let Him use me instead of me trying to use Him as my excuse to be loved and needed. My ministry will be even stronger when I realize that I am not the savior, Jesus is the savior. I am not that important. But in humility and with confidence I can have a ministry that involves vulnerability, empathy, and boundaries. 

Thought #2: I have 20 texts right now, and it is physically painful to not look at them and respond right now because someone might need me, and I wasn’t able to help them. But if I sit and respond right now, I take away time from my family. They suffer when I keep trying to plug all of the holes and take care of everyone around me. I have to push against the urge to be needed. Saying yes to others often means saying no to my family.

Thought #3: Derek said one small thing that I needed to do, and I lost it because I failed to anticipate that need before he voiced it. I already feel like I am drowning, and when Derek says something that even remotely sounds like disappointment, I lose it. I panic. I just can’t do it all. That pressure to be all things, doesn’t come from Derek though. It comes from myself. In fact, if I said “Derek, I can’t do that small thing right now.” He would say, “That’s totally fine! We can deal with it later.” Why do I put so much pressure on myself? 

Thought #4: I’m learning more and more recently that often the feelings that I have are not my own. It’s really hard for me to identify my feelings and how I feel when people are hurting around me. I feel their feelings so strongly that I think they are mine. And sometimes they are. When I’m around my kids, it’s even harder for me to identify my real feelings. They are always needy, so my feelings are often about them or for them. It’s really hard to express my personal needs because my brain is so full of their needs.

Thought #5: Derek regularly asks me a simple question (like where to put something or what do I want to eat) and my response is a panicked – “I don’t know!” I am a terrible multi-tasker. With 3 kids, I am constantly doing at least 4 things at a time and my brain is so full. Even the simplest question seems impossible, especially if it’s about myself or my needs or my feelings. I have found that calmly saying, “Can you write that question down?” or “Can you ask me again in a few minutes after I have finished the task at hand?” helps tremendously.

Thought #6: Shepherd bit another student at school. I cried and had a panic attack about him going back to school the next day. I want to please everyone and with kids it’s exhausting because I can’t control what they do. I now disappoint people through my kids. It’s a whole new level of balance and letting go. I want to be able to control how they act. I don’t want people to be disappointed in me because of what they do. I want them to be kind so badly, but I can’t force it. And I’m mad at myself for getting so anxious and stressed about it and feel like a burden in that too. I’m still working on the solution to this one. But identifying it is the first step. I have a feeling that I will circle back to this one in another post soon, so stay tuned and please pass along any wisdom that you have found helpful!

Thought #7: I don’t have trouble asking for help and receiving help when I ask. Because in that, I still have control. But when someone offers help that I haven’t asked for our just helps and sees a need that I didn’t see, it’s much harder and I feel guilty that maybe I missed their needs and can’t help them.

Thought #8: I can let people help if it in turn blesses them or helps someone else. And if I take care of myself, it must be to immediately bless someone else. The truth is that it’s ok to just take care of myself. It’s not selfish to do things simply because they bring me life. In fact, I’m much better at taking care of those that I love after taking care of myself. 

I have an inner voice constantly telling me that I am not enough, a failure, and unlovable. Telling this voice to shut up does not help. Speaking gently and confidently to it does. I legit tell it to step down, stop talking, and walk away. Then I speak truth into those areas. Brene Brown says it perfectly in Gifts of Imperfection: “No matter what gets done and how much is left undone. I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.” (Page 125 if you are interested.)

I have been asked by several people for the Enneagram resources that I have used. Here are my favorites:

 

Book:

The Road Back to you

Podcasts:

Annie Downs with Beth McCord – Overview of the Enneagram

Jen Hatmaker with Ian Cron– Overview of the Enneagram

The Enneagram Journey by Suzanne Stabile – very detailed and every episode that I have listened to has been amazing

The Road Back to You – The authors of the book also have a podcast that is really helpful