I’ve said it before, but I will say it again – Derek Wilson is amazing. I am sitting alone at starbucks on a Saturday morning getting ready for a women’s conference at church while he takes the kids most of the weekend. AND for my birthday, I’m getting another Saturday off duty too!!! He sure loves me and loves our kids. Last night at the conference the question that kept hitting me in the face is “What is your biggest fear?” And the answer that kept running around in my head was “Am I seen? Am I known?” Which seems silly considering most days all SLO want to see is me. They want to see me and touch me and tug on me and have me hold them and yell at me and laugh at me.
It’s cute and sweet and they love me so much, but man I am touched out. Beyond that though is this fear that the “me” that I used to be has been forgotten and buried beneath a heavy layer of spit up, then another layer of poop, and then some snot and baby food piled on top. I feel like I may never be “me” again. Or is this the new me? If it is, I’m actually pretty good at it with the help of our amazing village. In fact Derek and I have been compiling a list of weird skills that we have acquired as a triplet parent:
I can pour off exactly 10ml of a bottle every time.
I know exactly how much is left in a bottle in the dark.
I can pull up exactly the right dose of medicine (1.6ml zantac, 1.875ml of motrin, and 3.75ml of tylenol, 5ml of amoxicillin) in one quick pull without looking.
I can remove 3 babies from any room in one try. Let me tell you that this is much harder than it sounds. You have to take the first baby fairly far away and put them in a safe place. Then the second baby can’t go as far because baby #1 will be crawling back to said room and will make it if you take baby #2 to where you left baby #1. Then you have to sprint back and place baby #3 just right outside the door and quickly pull it closed. I have this down to a science.
I know how to ultra baby proof a house and can tell you exactly what SLO will get into upon entering any house that is not ours.
During nap time I can hear the first faint cry and know who it is and if I should go get them or let them figure it out.
I can hold baby #1 while changing a dirty diaper on baby #2 with baby #3 pulling my hair.
I can rock one baby to sleep while feeding 2 others a snack.
I can bottle feed 3 babies at one time.
I can make dinner with 3 babies screaming and pulling on me.
I can change a diaper in the dark at lightning speed.
I can change crib sheets and one baby’s pajamas in the dark without waking up the other 2 babies.
I can split a banana into thirds without a knife. It’s actually pretty amazing and totally not messy.
I can open a door and pull a triplet stroller through it. (Automatic doors should be a thing. Everywhere. Or at least at the doctor’s office.)
I have so many schedules and numbers memorized in my head to keep up with who is taking what and eating what and doing what at any given time.
I can mediate a fight between 3 babies that don’t know how to communicate yet.
I can get 3 babies dressed – 3 shirts, 3 pairs of pants, 6 socks, 6 shoes, 3 coats and load them all in the car in record timing all by myself.
The list goes on…
Being a mom in general requires skills. I mean mad skills. Being a triplet mom well it’s taken a lot of me. And I like this version of me. I really do. I adore my kids, and I love my life. I love that I get to stay at home (see last post). I love that I’m not just surviving but really living and enjoying life even though it’s crazy. BUT I miss me. I will forever wear the badge of Shepherd, Lucy, and Oliver’s mom with pride. I will shout from a mountain top that I go with them because I am so stinking honored and proud and excited to be their mom. But is that me now? Is that all that I am? When I was teaching, day in and day out, a lot of people saw me. In a lot of ways I got immediate appreciation. I of course had some haters, but overall I felt very validated as a teacher. Now here I am in motherhood, one of the most under-appreciated jobs. My kids do not tell me how great of a job I did changing that 8th dirty diaper of the day. I don’t get told how impressive it was that I only lost my cool once today while three 1 year olds screamed hysterically for hours on end. Sometimes they really do appreciate me with the cutest smiles and hugs – it’s the best. BUT that is rare.
So I was sitting at this conference pondering how I can be seen and known again, and it hit me!!! God sees me. He always sees me. And He KNOWS me. There is a story in Genesis 16 about a woman named Hagar. She was an Egyptian slave of Abram and Sarai (before they were Abraham and Sarah). God had promised Abram that he would be the father of many nations, but Sarai couldn’t get pregnant. She was struggling with infertility (I feel you girl.) So they both decided to take matters into their own hands and use their slave, Hagar, to start this massive new generation. This sounds weird but it wasn’t that weird back in the day. Picture a creepier, more awkward version of fertility clinics. So faithful Hagar does as she is told and gets pregnant with Ishmael. But of course Sarai gets jealous and sends her away and Abram mistreats her and flat out forgets about her especially after Isaac is born. Hagar is forgotten. She was faithful and then just thrown out with the trash. She is a mother that no one saw and no one knew. So one day she is praying to God (verse 13) and He answers. He heard her and knew her. This is the only place in the Bible where God is called El Roi (the God who sees me). Hagar said, “You are the God who sees me, I have now seen the One who sees me.” God is El Roi. He sees me. This is huge!! God sees me. Even on the days when I feel most alone and most overwhelmed, God sees me. On the days when all I want to do is walk to the mailbox, God sees me. On the days where my body physically aches from holding babies and cleaning. God sees me. On the days when life is just hard, God sees me.
I have always struggled with an approval addiction. I desperately want people to like me. Here is the thing though, If I truly believe that God is who He says He is, then why am I spending all of this time wondering if people see me, when I should be spending time helping others see and know HIM! This has to be a daily, no hourly, prayer. So today, this morning, I pray, God, El Roi, the God who sees me, be the breathe in my lungs. Use me to make your name known.